Yeah, yeah I know I haven't written in a while and I really don't have a good excuse, other than that I've had nothing to write about. Well, until I was talking to a friend about all the different people we've met on dating websites and realized that they all have different categories. Yes, my lovelies, everyone you meet on these websites can be placed in the categories I'm going to tell you about. Remember though, you can meet someone who falls into more than one category, but never the less, they will fall into one of these.
1. False Advertisers
Really, blogger? What is this? People are now like infomercials?
Actually, yes they are. Just think about it for a minute. When writing your "about me" summary, what you're really doing is advertising yourself to try and attract a potential mate. Some people are better at this than others, I unfortunately, suck at this hence why I'm still single. You'll run across adjectives such as, laid back, fun loving, witty, dorky, low key...you get my drift. But these aren't the false advertisers I'm speaking of. Granted, most of the people that describe themselves as "laid back" are really uptight ass hats that end up being the most psycho of them all. The false advertisers I'm talking about, are the people with the pictures that have been photo shopped to all hell or have pictures that are at the very least 5 years old and 50lbs skinnier. So, imagine the surprise when you finally do meet them in person and they look nothing like they did in their pictures. This is why Skype and Google hangout are and should be your new best friends. Always verify who you are talking to, kiddos.
Paranoid much, blogger? No! Not at all, well maybe a little. Go watch the movie "Catfish" then tell me you won't at least video chat once before you meet someone in person that you met online.
2. Zoey Deschannel's
What's wrong with Zoey? I like her, she's funny, and quirky. You drinking hatorade tonight, blogger?
There's absolutely nothing wrong with Ms. Deschannel. I think she's just swell, but you have these people online who are too hipster and too quirky for the world. They hate everything mainstream and every picture they post looks like they took it with those Instagram effects on them. If they are a female Deschannel, they'll probably have a picture with finger mustache somewhere on their profile and say how much they love video games when in fact the only video game they ever played was PacMan when they were 12. If it's a male Deschannel, they'll probably be wearing a plaid pearl snap shirt or cardigan, wafer Raybans while holding an IPA. But blogger, aren't you wearing the "hipster" uniform? Yes, I am guilty of donning the hipster uniform, but I don't take it to the extreme. Geeze, guys I'm not that bad...I hope.
Now don't get me wrong, I do have a serious weakness for male Deschannels'...I don't know where I was going with that. I got a visual of my dream Deschannel and I just stopped thinking. Don't judge me.
3. Narnia's
WTF?! You mean geeks who live in their mom's basement?
Noooooo. You know that expression, "skeletons in the closet"? Well, these people have such a huge closet to hold all of their skeletons, that if you go searching through that bitch, you'll end up in Narnia with the Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe. Enough said.
DISCLAIMER: THE NEXT CATEGORY IS THE MOST SCARY OF THEM ALL. LIKE HORROR MOVIE SCARY. I don't mean B rated horror movie scary, but like "The Exorcist" scary. So...PAY ATTENTION
4. Stage 5 Clingers
These are the people that you talk to, meet once and even though you tell them that you don't feel a connection, they text you every 5 seconds. They never get the hint and stalk every networking site you're on to see if you're online and constantly "like" every Facebook post you post within seconds of posting it. These people always turn into the Anthony Perkins of the online dating world. OMG, blogger! How the hell can I tell if I meet one of these people? Well, if they within five minutes of meeting are already referring to you as their significant other or talking about a "future" with you...run. Call of the date and change your number. LOL OK well, maybe not change your number, but do have an exit strategy in place just in case. Be prepared to give them the "talk" about not feeling a spark and start putting your phone on either silent or vibrate. Your phone will be blowing up for the next couple of weeks until they latch on to a new victim. Beware, because at first, these people are charismatic and almost always extremely attractive. You know what they say, it's always the hot ones that are crazy.
If you've read any of my previous post you'll realize there are a few other categories that I haven't mentioned on this post. (Tony the Tigers, Houdini's and Good Times Charllies.) I felt as though I've spoken enough about them that I didn't feel the need to mention them again. So, my young whipper snappers, which category do you fall into? Waiting for my moral? There really isn't any. Just enjoy the ride, and be ready for who ever you meet. Remember the golden rule of online dating...coffee date in a very, very public place. Happy dating!
