Keep, keep moving on

So, I've gone back and forth now for weeks wondering if I should even post this next blog because it's a very sensitive topic.  What's going on blogger? Wait! Are you preggos? You dirty slut! Uh...no. I'm not pregnant (thank God).

Ok, after my last blog post Sparky and I played the torturous back and forth drama filled relationship dance that so many of us play. Ha! You drama queen! Hush you! Let's be serious for a bit. Anyhoo! As I was saying, Sparky and I went back and forth for a long time before finally calling it quits in April.  It was horrible, but we did the same shit we always do to each other. A late night text saying I miss you and us saying we'd both have a clean slate, then a couple days later and it was back to the same who did what to whom routine.  It wasn't a good ending, to say the very least and I didn't want to write this blog post and sound like a total b.b. (bitter bitch).  I thought if I was going to write about this relationship I wanted to give it the dignity it deserved since we, Sparky and I, weren't able to do that during our last break up.

Geeze, blogger. Sounds like this is going to be a real tear jerker.
Well, no it's not. I'm just going to let you in on what I've learned from this.

See, this relationship wasn't always horrible. We had some really wonderful times, but something unfortunate happened and someone was betrayed (if you read my last post I'm sure you'll know what I'm talking about) and that's where it all started to unravel. At least, for me that's when it happened.  Now, I admit, I was guilty of going back and forth on whether I wanted this relationship to work. After Sparky did what he did, I still very much loved him and wanted no one else, but I was also still very hurt and wanted him to hurt like he hurt me. I know, I know! Not the most mature thing to do, but I wasn't thinking clearly in this time period.   Needless to say I started the first round of back and forth hokey pokey relationship dance. Nice going, you dirty pirate hooker. I KNOW!

When we would first try and work things out that first conversation was amazing. We would apologize about everything and promise to try harder, but come a couple of days in and insecurity would rear it's ugly head and we'd be at each other's throats again. I would be thinking he was fucking around and he'd be thinking I was going to leave soon. We both were standing one foot inside the relationship door and one foot out.  We never did give each other the clean slate we always promised the other.   Now that I think of it, I wonder if that's even possible for any relationship. 

What? A clean slate? Why not blogger?
Well, hear me out. What exactly is a clean slate? To totally wipe clean the other's indiscretions,  right?  I don't see how that's completely possible unless you have one of those Men in Black mind eraser thingies or know the doctor from Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless mind.  It's a beautiful idea, but not possible. No one will ever forget how you betrayed them and hurt them. No one will ever be able to forget that pain. Can they forgive? Sure! But that's a totally different thing. See, Sparky and I didn't really even try to give each other a clean slate nor did we take full responsibility for the actions that brought us to this point.  We were both to proud to stop pointing fingers at the other and wanting so much to be right that we ultimately destroyed the relationship. 

Wow, blogger. Neither one of you could get your head our of your asses long enough to see what was really going on? Nope, I guess we couldn't.  Wait, scratch that. It's not that we couldn't, we wouldn't. We were both too hurt by what we had been doing to each other we were both set on who was the ultimate victim in this scenario. Now, at the end of the day my friends and family will say I'm the victim and his will say that he is, but none of that matters. We're now both left in this unnecessary rubble that we both created. We have no one to blame, but ourselves.

What we could have done? Really given each other that second chance and meaning it instead of just saying the words, because they sounded right at the time. Take the time to understand how much we hurt the other without being reminded of our own pain. We deeply loved each other and desperately wanted a future together, but we let this chaos get in the way. It can be easily chalked up to a tragic and stupid love story, but I refuse to see it as such.

And why is that? Oh wise one?
Well, to sum it up as that would mean we're both miserable and I refuse to let that happen.  After a while of mourning the loss of Sparky I finally went on a date. This doesn't mean I'm jumping into another relationship,  but I am getting my feet wet again in the dating pool. Do I wish him ill will? Oh God no. I hope he meets someone amazing. After all he is amazing, we just weren't amazing together. I hope he meets a woman who will give him everything he wants and the things he didn't even know he wanted. I pray he finds a good woman to make his wife and he has that family he dreams of. He deserves nothing less and I hope he wishes the same for me (although I highly doubt it).  We both deserve that.

The moral, my babies, mean the things you say and do them. Don't just say words because they sound right at the time.  If you think you found your forever and it turns out you didn't.. it's ok. It's gonna hurt like hell, but it will get better. I still think of him from time to time and it's not that bad stuff I remember.  It's all the good times we had. Life is too short to hold onto a grudge.  All you can do is learn from it and move on. Keep your head up and keep keeping on. Good luck out there my duders and chickadees.  Until next time....