I figured before I drift off into my post Thanksgiving turkey stupor, I'd write a little about my misadventures of learning to flirt. Happy Thanksgiving, by the way to all who celebrate this excuse of a holiday to openingly commit gluttony.
So, like I said in a previous post, I wasted my formative flirting years being married. I married very young, at 20, like an idiot. Why in the hell would you do that you dumb girl? Well, I was about to tell you before I was so rudely interrupted.
All through school I was not really the popular kid. I wasn't the type to follow the crowd in order to be cool and it didn't help that my parents had a tight leash on me. So tight that one could call it a choke collar. When most teenagers are having their first signatificant others (in middle school), I could not get a boy to even think I was pretty. My mother worked at the middle school I went to and my father worked at the elementary school across the street from the high school I went to. With all those factors, I might as well have had malaria or a flesh eating virus. No boy would even stand within a 5 mile radius of me for fear of my parents (more so my father) thinking they liked me. Granted, I did have male friends, but they saw me as one of the guys. Because of this, I feel, I quickly developed my smart ass funny girl routine that I now fall back on so much. Let's put it this way...my senior year of high school most girls worry about what guy is going to ask them to prom, right? I already knew I wasn't going to get asked. Most of the guys I went to school with couldn't imagine me in a dress and getting all foofy-ed up. No, I wasn't butch or walked around like a had a huge dick in my jeans. I was just very blunt and not the type of girly girl that most guys at that age (well, at any age) wanted.
Wah wah wah! What is this? A pitty blog? A lets feel sorry for the poor blogger who couldn't get a boy to like her. Uh...no. I'm merely giving you back story to my lack of flirting so shut the hell up so you can get back to your turkey overdose.
Well, fast forward to me graduating highschool and working at my first job at a department store and going to college. Until then, I never thought a guy would look my way let alone ask me out. Enter my ex husband. He was the first boy that ever really paid attention to me in that way a guy does when he wants to be more than just your friend. Needless to say, being the dumbass I am. I ended up marrying him at 20. I spent my early 20's being a married woman who had never in her life experienced what it was like to date. Experienced the hunt of looking for a guy and spotting those little looks the opposite sex gives you when their interested. What is this look? It's the eye of the tiger. It's that death stare that says, "Yeah you're hot. Wanna practice making a baby?"
So after getting divorced from my ex, I had no clue what the hell to do. I didn't know how to flirt or to even show a guy that I was interested. My "eye of the tiger" stare looked more like that psycho stalker crazy fan stare that those little girls have when they look at Justin Bieber. You know, that wild eye'd I think I'm sexy but look like a damn crack head type of look. Yeah, I was in bad shape.
And this brings me to the fabulous freakshow world of the online dating scene. I quickly fine tuned my funny girl routine, but getting them to give me a chance in order to use this routine has always been my problem. It wasn't until recently that I think I might have cracked the mystery of the fine art of flirting that had always eluded me. What is this mystery? How can one flirt when one has never flirted before? Easy there tiger, easy, I'll tell you just hold your horses. Let me tell you how I stumbled upon this bit of knowledge. HOLY HELL! Hurry it up blogger I'm missing Glee and X factor! OK OK! I'll hurry up I promise.
So, I went with a few coworker to our normal watering hole and was feeling abnormally confident. I was suppose to meet a guy that I had spoken to briefly online and let me tell you. I'm glad I was there with some coworkers that I can now call friends, because that guy looked nothing like his pictures. (I'll make this a different post). It didn't go well, but the whole time I saw another coworker that was fairly new to my department, making eye contact. Now, I didn't know if he was giving me the "eye of the tiger", but I figured why the hell not go for it. I could not get rid of that other guy, we'll call him the False Advertiser, fast enough. As soon as he left I made my move on this young whipper snaper. I asked him if he wanted to play pool and he agreed with a huge smile on his face. I smiled back and asked if I could go outside and have a cigarette first. We went outside and talked for a bit and I was surprisingly charming. I didn't feel the need to fall back on my smart ass funny girl routine. I don't know why, maybe it was the beer? Anyhoo! I smiled and complimented him and made an effort to touch him ever so softly here and there. I know how cliche this may sound, but it freakin' worked! As we were playing pool, I could tell he was nervous as hell. He kept hitting the cue ball off the table and dropping his pool stick. At first I thought he was drunk, but he later admitted that I was "distracting" him. When I asked how, he just smiled. The rest of the night I continued to do the same routine. Smile and compliment. Since then...he's been sneaking looks and still gets nervous when I get close to him. It's adorable.
I don't know if it's different for guys when they flirt, but I think I nailed it. Could it be that simple, kiddos? When flirting with a guy just smile and compliment him? Shit! If it is, what the hell took me so long to figure this out? Hopefully, after almost five years of looking like a complete crazy psycho idiot trying desperately to flirt, I may have figured it out. Who would have thought that the simplest thing would work?
So what's the hell is the moral of this story blogger? It just seems a little pointless. The moral? Don't get freakin' frustrated when you can't figure out what the hell flirting is. Remember this thingy here "KISS". What? Are you freaking kidding me? What the hell does that mean? Keep It Simple Stupid. Flirting is suppose to be easy. Don't try and church it up with the hair flips and whatever else you think you're suppose to do. Keep it simple...stupid.
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