Happily Ever After...My Ass

What's going on blogger? What's up with title? I thought you and Sparky were going to be forever?

Well, so did I. Unfortunately, duders and chickadees that wasn't his plan. My Sparky did the unthinkable. What? He cheated?! Yes, in a way. Apparently, I wasn't the only girl he was talking to. Yes, my babies, my heart is completely broken and I'm miserable. Not only did my love, or so I thought he was, did this one but twice. I guess the lesson I learned was that sometimes people don't change.

Why in the hell did you even give him another chance?

Sometimes, you love someone so much you believe they deserve a second chance. You want so much to believe that it was just a stupid mistake, but that's neither here or there. The point of this blog post is a survival guide of sorts to get over a break up.

1. Give yourself a day ( or two, or three, or four) to mourn.

This is only natural. You need to mourn the death of what you thought could have been your forever. It's ok to have a candy bar or that scoop of ice cream and watch some horror movies. It's ok to get a little chocolate wasted while blasting heartbreak music. Just don't be a heffer and eat a gallon of ice cream and 15 candy bars while sinking into a pit of despair. That will only lead to food guilt and you being 15 lbs heavier and even more miserable.

2. Remind yourself why you left AND DON'T call them.

I know that all of us who'll probably have more drinks than we're suppose to and do that dreaded drunk call to them. Don't do it! If you know you're going to have one of those booze filled sad nights, for God's sake, give your phone to someone you trust. Shit! Hide your damn phone and save yourself the embarrassment of letting your ex hearing you're drunken patheticness begging them back. Remind yourself of what they did and don't get booze mind and think of the special way they looked at you or the awesome sex you had with them. Remember what that asshat did to you. Put on some girl power, or guy power, music and find some damn restraint. 3. Sober up and keep busy

The key to not falling back into their spider web of deceit is to stay busy. But blogger how do you break those routines you had with them? Well, do the things you liked to do when you were single. Go hang out with friends. Go take the dog for a walk, play freaking candy crush. Do anything that keeps your mind from wandering back to them. Find your happiness without them again.

4. Don't think that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new.

What? Bullshit, blogger! Ain't nothing wrong with some getting some strange. Uh, yeah there is.  BULLSHIT!!! Listen up, you horny little devils. This may sound like  a harmless fun way to get over them, but it's not. Chances are you'll end up with some less than par person and you won't even enjoy the sex. Sex is suppose to be fun. Don't associate it with sad vagina or penis. If you do embark on this stupid choice you'll only end up have really bad sex and feeling like you need a shower and possibly a hepatitis test.

5. Pamper yourself and finally deal with the situation with a clear head.

Ok, now this sounds like a scene from a crappy lifetime movie. Cue the montage and the cheesy 90's music. Hey! First of all, not all lifetime movies are bad and not all of the movies have cheesy music. Seriously though, go get your hurr did. Go buy a new outfit, some smell good stuff. Build up that confidence. Now, the hard part.

Once you've had time to really deal with the situation. Either take the time to take responsibility for your actions or finally see that it wasn't your fault. If you ever want to really move on, you need to accept what happen. Wow, that's pretty deep blogger. I haven't heard that little pearl of wisdom before. Was that sarcasm I hear? Smart asses.

Look, the truth. Breakups suck old gamey balls. They aren't easy, there not suppose to be. But, they happen for a reason. Just don't give up hope that you'll find someone that will treat you like the queen or king you are. Yes, I'm not exactly the happiest right now, but I refuse to give up hope. With out that, I might as well start buying cats and tucking my dresses into my panty hose.
Keep your heads up kiddos, keep searching and enjoy this chaotic ride of dating.

Bad timing, Red coats, Paul Revere and fucking Kenny Rogers

I'm going to skip introductions at this point and get straight to the story.  I feel as if by now there's no real need for them. It's about fucking time blogger!  'Bout time we no longer have to wade through the "bs" that is your introductions. Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Bite me. 

After much time on a free dating site I started to wonder if there would be a difference if I ventured to a dating website that one needed to pay for.  I don't mean like layouts or message fonts.  Not crappy superficial stuff like that, but if there would be a different caliber of people there.  My thinking was that maybe because this website required a membership fee it would weed out the ass hats that used the free website for quick hook ups.  So, after much research, I settled on one dating website that wasn't too expensive but still looked like it wasn't infested with the average ghetto hoodrats and wanna be thugs the other free website was permeated with.  I paid my membership fee and with fingers crossed started to fill out a questionnaire that was unnecessarily way too long.  At first I started to get frustrated with the endless amount of repetitive questions it was asking, but somehow convinced myself that these numerous questions would help me find a better "match". 

Well, did all those questions help narrow down the choices to the special few that would capture your heart, blogger? HELL NO!!

Almost immediately after I finished up the hour long questionnaire then filling out my profile I could smell the desperation coming from my computer screen.  Granted it was a faint smell that confused me some, but never the less still the smell of desperation.  When looking at my potential matches, I quickly found how useless a lot of those questions were.  Most of matches were based off the fact that I enjoyed movies and animals and guess what?!  So did they!!! Then to top it off most of them, my potential matches, were so quick to talk about marriage and kids that the normal little red flags I would get from some were like flashing Las Vegas signs from these guys.  Huge neon signs that screamed, "Run bitch! Run!  He's crazy and desperate and will probably roofie you if you leave your drink unattended"  Okay, well, maybe not the roofie part, but you get my drift. 

If I was not being bombarded by messages from these desperate fools I was being rejected by men I might be interested in.  It was quickly becoming a no win situation for me and I was starting to wonder if me paying the $40 a month membership was worth it.  I, of course, quickly decided that two months of this nonsense was quite enough and I discontinued my service. Okay...so...where the hell is this going? Damn you're so long winded blogger! Well, if you would let me finish you'd know that just because I discontinued my membership didn't mean it was done that day.  I still had paid for the month and was still able to look.  At times I asked myself why I was still looking, then he happened.

Who happened?  Are we finally getting to the guy? Thank you Jesus! Yes! We're finally getting to the guy. Geeze!  Well, anyhoo!  I came across this one profile with an attractive man who hailed from England.  We'll call him the Redcoat. I read Redcoat's profile and was somewhat intrigued.  I noticed I had this special "VIP" bullshit email thing that I could use to show someone I was really interested and I decided to use it.  Why? Well, why not?  Plus I wanted to hear his accent.  I sent him the super special email with who knows what cheesy opening line and we began chatting.

He was very easy to talk to.  I was working overtime when we were emailing back and forth so it was hard for me to access this account at work due to poor service on my cell phone.  This was a perfect excuse for me to give him my number and suggest we text.  I have to admit that was a pretty smooth move on my part. *Patting myself on the back*  I didn't think that things would progress as quickly as they did, but they did.  On my way home I called him and we talked my entire drive home. I quickly gave him the nickname "Sparky" because his sense of humor kind of reminded me of Clark Griswold from the National Lampoons vacation movies.   He asked what my plans were for the day and I told him I was probably going to take a nap when I got home, then who knows. How we ended up agreeing to meet the very same day we message each other?  Hell if I know, but I figured you only live once, right?

We met at our local coffee house chain and when I pulled up next to his car he had a sign on his window that read, " I AM SPARKY".  This of course made me laugh so hard my stomach hurt.  We didn't end up having coffee to begin with and instead went to a restaurant. But what about your rule, blogger? First dates are to always be at coffee houses! Remember?! Yes, I remember, but for some reason this guy made me break all the rules.  The date was going swimmingly until his ex was brought up.  The rest of the night was mostly about him talking about it and what happened.  I immediately knew that this was a huge red flag. He insisted that he was over it but I knew better. Granted, not all of the night was him venting about his ex.  There were moments of joking and us exchanging stories, it was quite pleasant.  We ended the night at the coffee shop where we finally got a coffee then a kiss goodnight.  After that we didn't really meet up again.  I felt as if he was giving me the brush off and I didn't understand why.  Uh, maybe because he wasn't over his ex stupid! Well, I know this now, like I've said in a previous post, hind site is such a bitch.

Finally we met up again sometime later and somehow ended up as friends with benefits, but we weren't really friends yet.  Everything was going smoothly until one night after adult time, we were spooning, I was the little spoon. Why you needed to know that detail? I don't know, but whatever!  He asked, "I hope you see me more than just a booty call".  I initially thought, "Damn it! Things are now going to get complicated".  Don't get me wrong.  I was started to have feelings for this man.  After all he was charming, handsome, had a body that looked photo shopped and he treated me like a woman should be treated.  Not to mention he was just a big a freak as I was in bed.  But, I was successful at repressing my feelings for him up until then.  I responded with "How do you want me to see you".  He of course then snapped out of his sex drunken state and started to stutter about having to use the bathroom.  I laid there thinking that this was probably going to end soon, but I was not going to not have an answer to my question.  When he returned to bed I figured I'd re-ask the question but in a more blunt and simple fashion.  What did I say? "So do I keep you at arms length?" To which he replied, "yes".  I knew what his answer would be, but didn't think it would bother me as much as it did.  We then ended up going to sleep, but I knew that as soon as the sun came up I'd be gone. 

The next morning he got up and gave me a kiss on the forehead and went to make coffee.  We had developed a routine by then where he would make coffee and I would join him as he watch a soccer game.  This morning, however I was not going to join him.  I was still hurt and upset about his answer the night before, so I started to gather my things to leave.  He, of course, was flabbergasted that I was going to leave so soon.  When he asked me why I was leaving so abruptly I simply responded with "Arms length, remember?" After that it wasn't such a pretty sight.  I left, then came back and we talked about this situation.  He ended it by saying that maybe we should "cool it" for a while.  I, reluctantly agreed.  We didn't talk for a few days after that.

By the third day of our stand off, I was miserable.  I was finding it hard to concentrate at work and was constantly checking my phone, hoping to hear from him.  Then I got a text saying, "For what it's worth, I miss my friend".  Initially I was happy to hear from him, but then quickly was put off by the word "friend".  I had been friend zoned and my heart sank.  I don't remember if it was that day or the next that we met up again. All I remember was that it was a Friday and I was just finished with having a drink with my co-workers when I mustered up the liquid courage to have this heart to heart with him.  He had stated before then that there was some things he wanted to "talk" to me about which naturally made me nervous, thus me needing the liquid courage.  After my one drink, I began the drive to his house.

I got to his house and we began with bullshit idle chit chat until he said it was time to really "talk".  He said that he really cared for me but that he wasn't sure of what he wanted.  This is another red flag chickadees and duders.  If a guy says he's not sure of what he wants, it either means he doesn't want to hurt you because he wants to still sleep with you or he honestly doesn't think he's ready to take that plunge with you. How we ended up agreeing to only see each other is beyond me, but that ended up being the end result. 

I don't know about you guys, but in my world and circle of friends we all tend to agree that if you cap someone off (agree to monogamy) you're in a relationship regardless if you want to admit it or not. Somehow this Redcoat kept insisting that he wasn't ready for a relationship and didn't want to be in one yet.  This baffled me.  We were doing everything people do in relationships, even had monogamy, but still this Muppet (British slang for idiot) was against relationships. Needless to say this frustrated me beyond all hell.  What brought us to our inevitable demise was one weekend I was under the impression we were to spend time together Friday but he thought since had already done that Thursday we weren't going to get together the next day. Simple miscommunication right?  NOPE!  He had already made plans for Saturday which I knew of and frankly didn't care if he went or not.  I wanted him to go hang out with his friends.  Well, here's another instance where I'm going to give you pearls, kiddos.  Never, ever have an important conversation over text messaging.  Things get so misinterpreted its ridiculous.  Call them, for God's sake.  It ended up with him getting mad and I didn't hear from him that weekend.  I was confused as to why he was so upset.  Come Monday when we finally talk to each other after him dodging me the entire weekend.  He was upset and kept saying that he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and that he had other more important things to worry about.  I quickly then remembered that I had called him out saying that we were basically in a relationship and it sucked that he couldn't just admit it.  It wasn't that I wanted the title, kiddos.  I was just tired of him pussy footing around what were actually were and if he didn't think we were that then why the monogamy?  Again we had another break and the last time I talked to him I wished him well.  I told him I wanted him to be happy but didn't think I could be his friend.  At least not at that moment.

Fast forward three months and time has begun to heal the wounds this Redcoat left behind.  At times I wondered where the fuck was Paul Revere to warn me this Brit was coming my way.  Then one day I was listening to a Kenny Rogers song called "The Gambler" and one line made me chuckle a bit.  The line that goes, "know when to hold them, know when to fold them" especially stuck out.  My bestie who was with me at the time said, "guess you should have applied that to the Redcoat situation, huh? " Granted the Redcoat and I are slowly mending things, but not heading into a "relationship" status.  I honestly don't know if I can be his friend, but I do know I'm going to try.  Why? Because on our first date I agreed that no matter what happened we'd be friends and I don't back out on my word.  He has done nothing to intentionally hurt me.  He's not a malicious guy, just a guy who bit off more than he could chew.  So...back to that line from The Gambler.  No, I'm glad I didn't fold them at our first date.  Despite the heartbreak, I did learn something, my lovelies.  It doesn't matter how much two people care for each other if the timing isn't right.  Sometimes someone can truly care for you, but still have baggage they need to sort through first.  So, no Mr. Kenny Rogers I don't agree with you and go eat some of your chicken and shut your damn pie hole! Until next time kiddies, happy dating!

But he looked soooo good...on paper

Have you ever been on with date someone and thought, "Wow! I'm actually on a date with a ten.  How the hell did that happen?"  You pinch yourself and wonder if you're dreaming. You rub your eyes trying to figure out if what you're experiencing is real life.  How could this incredibly attractive, witty, intelligent, talented, and every other great adjective, be in your presence with out having to pay for it?  You end up blissfully walking on cloud nine with this person when all of a sudden...they kick you in the ass back down to earth, when they start acting like a complete crazy bitch. You end up dumb founded, wondering how could someone so perfect be so...stupid.

Well, kiddos I have a story for you.  These people, like the Dallas Cowboys ,always look so incredibly awesome on paper, but always seem to fail when it comes down to game time.  Now this story is going to be a combination of two guys that I've met over my time in this cesspool sphere of madness.  I know what you're thinking. Wow! Way to be lazy blogger.  Can't be bothered to write two blog post about these two separate guys?  Well, no I can't.  These guys are very much similar and it'd be a waste to write two stories that are almost exactly the same. So, shut up the hell up and read on please.

I met this incredible creature online, as all of my stories began, BUT I made the mistake of stroking his ego with the opening email.  You little minx!  Already being a huge whore and you haven't even spoken to the guy.  Stroking his ego...is that what they're calling it now? No! You dirty pervs.  I merely complemented his looks by saying that he must have them lined around the block waiting for a chance.  Yeah I know, that was pretty stupid, desperate and cheesy.  But hey, I figured I didn't have a shot in hell.  I mean this guy was a 10 on a bad day. He had chiseled good looks, tall, great job, and the boy could sing.  Not to mention that he was completely charming.  Yes, ladies, he could sing and charm the knickers off a nun.  (I'm so going to hell for that last comment) I sent the message about his striking good looks not thinking I'd hear from him because...well, if you saw his picture you saw his picture you'd understand. 

Well, come to my great surprise I hear from this, we'll call him Sir Needy Von Douchary, not more than 10 minutes later.  He thanked me for my compliment and started a conversation with me.  Granted, I'm no fugly wench, but I never thought I'd be his "type" of girl. I don't think I need to tell you how this went.  Emailed, texted, phone conversation, yada yada yada.  He actually, on a whim, suggested we meet, at his place.  I know, I know.  Very stupid of me to meet a strange man at his place.  You stupid wench! You could have been killed, you dumb bitch blogger.  Didn't you ever see the Craigslist Killer Lifetime movie?  Look, I was still a noob with this online dating shit and the Craigslist killer hadn't even happened yet! I admit I got extremely lucky that I didn't die. Anyhoo! Stop freaking judging me and lets get back to the story.  I met up with him and he tried to sleep with me.  I, of course, didn't go through with it.  I told him I wanted more than just a friend with benefits.  He of course, wasn't too keen on that idea.  He said and I quote,"I don't see what the big deal is?  It's just two adults sharing an organ." I, was appalled that he would say something so crude.  This should have been my first red flag, my babies.  Don't tell me you continued to talk to him, you stupid girl? Well, not at first.  After that conversation, we didn't talk for quite sometime. Until...

Until?! Are you freaking kidding me? Until what?! How stupid could you be?
Look! If it wasn't for my stupidity, you wouldn't have this highly informational blog to learn lessons from, right? So stop looking down your nose at me and get off your freaking high horse. As I was saying! Until, he contacted me again several months via the dating website we originally met on.  He said how much he missed "hanging out" with  me, even though we had only "hung" out that one time. Did I fall for this crap storm of sweet nothings? NOPE!  I knew what he was trying to do and I was game.  At this point of my life I was going through quite the dry spell and figured why the hell not.  I needed a slump buster and if he was offering, why not take him up on it? A small part of me was concerned with the thought that he might actually be serious about getting to know me.  When I called him, we joked around and caught up.  You know, the obligatory chit chat and pretending to care what they other is up to.  Towards the end of the conversation any concern I had of him actually giving a damn about getting to know me was all washed away.  How? He said, "Now, you're not going to get all weird on me, are you?"  I took this to mean that there were going to be no feelings involved what so ever.  Game on!

We had our fling and things were going superb.  We would contact each other when the need would arise and then go off on our merry way.  Then on one "meeting" he mentioned that he was going to California for a week on a business trip.  I was confused as to why the hell he would be telling me he schedule, because frankly, I could give a damn where he went.  I just smiled and said ok.  Well, he left and a week went by and I hadn't heard from him.  I thought nothing of it and then...week two started to go by.  Through this couple of weeks I was being asked out by some guy who I honestly don't remember his name.  I was refusing because I thought it would be skeezy if I went out on a date with a guy while having a fwb situation with another guy.  That logic went out the window when by the end of week two I didn't hear from Sir Needy Von Douchary.  I figured he moved on and found some other girl, so I accepted the date. 

Okay....so, can you speed this up? I'm getting there.  Hold your horses.  He finally came home and got in contact with me.  We agreed to meet up again, but had to go to a hotel because he had a "friend" visiting him from out of town.  During the drive there he gave me a kiss hello, which was strange because he had never done that before.  Then he started making real conversation. Now, what I mean by real conversation is questions about how I grew up and about my family.  I was caught off guard and answered them because...I didn't know what the hell else to do.  After our adult time he brought up the question if I had done anything while he was gone.  No, duders, he wasn't asking about daily activities.  He was asking if I had done a guy.  I told him I went on a date and he freaked out.  He went all psycho bitch and starting interrogating me.  For a minute I thought he was going to make me pull the car over and water board me.  He started to bombard me with questions such as, "Is he better looking than me?  Is he bigger than me? Does he make more money than me?  I thought we had a connection.  How could you do this?" I was in complete and utter shock.  How could this seemingly uber confident (boarder lining on arrogance) guy be so insecure? I quickly rebuttaled with the fact that he was the one that didn't want anything serious and didn't want me to get "weird".  Needless to say kiddos, it didn't end in a big hug and everybody all happy.  He stomped off like a girl that has just started PMS'ing.  I, like an idiot, felt horrible for hurting his feelings, or so I thought I hurt his feelings.  Come to find out I think I just hurt his ego. He stormed out of the car and said that he needed a couple of days to think about things.  After he slammed my car door, I thought to myself, "What the fuck?! Think about what 'things'?"

A couple of days had passed and he finally called me.  I really hadn't thought much of him and was just convinced that he was turning into some crazy bitch. He proceeded to tell me that he slept with five girls and I congratulated him on this feat.  He got upset and told me I was lucky to be talking to him at all.  After all he was my city's most eligible bachelor.  To this day I still don't know how he got that title or found the article that he claimed to be in.  I tried not to laugh at him and once again proceeded to tell him what he had told me about getting "weird".  He got upset and hung up on me.  We haven't talked since.

Moral?  Even though some people seem to be the entire package, be weary.  They may look like 10's and even have other characteristics of 10's but most of them are just good at playing charades.  It's almost like they're entire life is a big game of pictionary but with out the crappy drawings.  So, duders, if you meet someone that might be too good to be true, you're probably right.  Remember these people for the most part are like Christmas ornaments.  Very decorative and pretty to look at, but after the season is over with...there's no real purpose to them.  Then it's time to dig out that box and hide that bitch away.  Until next time, happy dating!