Have you ever been on with date someone and thought, "Wow! I'm actually on a date with a ten. How the hell did that happen?" You pinch yourself and wonder if you're dreaming. You rub your eyes trying to figure out if what you're experiencing is real life. How could this incredibly attractive, witty, intelligent, talented, and every other great adjective, be in your presence with out having to pay for it? You end up blissfully walking on cloud nine with this person when all of a sudden...they kick you in the ass back down to earth, when they start acting like a complete crazy bitch. You end up dumb founded, wondering how could someone so perfect be so...stupid.
Well, kiddos I have a story for you. These people, like the Dallas Cowboys ,always look so incredibly awesome on paper, but always seem to fail when it comes down to game time. Now this story is going to be a combination of two guys that I've met over my time in this cesspool sphere of madness. I know what you're thinking. Wow! Way to be lazy blogger. Can't be bothered to write two blog post about these two separate guys? Well, no I can't. These guys are very much similar and it'd be a waste to write two stories that are almost exactly the same. So, shut up the hell up and read on please.
I met this incredible creature online, as all of my stories began, BUT I made the mistake of stroking his ego with the opening email. You little minx! Already being a huge whore and you haven't even spoken to the guy. Stroking his ego...is that what they're calling it now? No! You dirty pervs. I merely complemented his looks by saying that he must have them lined around the block waiting for a chance. Yeah I know, that was pretty stupid, desperate and cheesy. But hey, I figured I didn't have a shot in hell. I mean this guy was a 10 on a bad day. He had chiseled good looks, tall, great job, and the boy could sing. Not to mention that he was completely charming. Yes, ladies, he could sing and charm the knickers off a nun. (I'm so going to hell for that last comment) I sent the message about his striking good looks not thinking I'd hear from him because...well, if you saw his picture you saw his picture you'd understand.
Well, come to my great surprise I hear from this, we'll call him Sir Needy Von Douchary, not more than 10 minutes later. He thanked me for my compliment and started a conversation with me. Granted, I'm no fugly wench, but I never thought I'd be his "type" of girl. I don't think I need to tell you how this went. Emailed, texted, phone conversation, yada yada yada. He actually, on a whim, suggested we meet, at his place. I know, I know. Very stupid of me to meet a strange man at his place. You stupid wench! You could have been killed, you dumb bitch blogger. Didn't you ever see the Craigslist Killer Lifetime movie? Look, I was still a noob with this online dating shit and the Craigslist killer hadn't even happened yet! I admit I got extremely lucky that I didn't die. Anyhoo! Stop freaking judging me and lets get back to the story. I met up with him and he tried to sleep with me. I, of course, didn't go through with it. I told him I wanted more than just a friend with benefits. He of course, wasn't too keen on that idea. He said and I quote,"I don't see what the big deal is? It's just two adults sharing an organ." I, was appalled that he would say something so crude. This should have been my first red flag, my babies. Don't tell me you continued to talk to him, you stupid girl? Well, not at first. After that conversation, we didn't talk for quite sometime. Until...
Until?! Are you freaking kidding me? Until what?! How stupid could you be?
Look! If it wasn't for my stupidity, you wouldn't have this highly informational blog to learn lessons from, right? So stop looking down your nose at me and get off your freaking high horse. As I was saying! Until, he contacted me again several months via the dating website we originally met on. He said how much he missed "hanging out" with me, even though we had only "hung" out that one time. Did I fall for this crap storm of sweet nothings? NOPE! I knew what he was trying to do and I was game. At this point of my life I was going through quite the dry spell and figured why the hell not. I needed a slump buster and if he was offering, why not take him up on it? A small part of me was concerned with the thought that he might actually be serious about getting to know me. When I called him, we joked around and caught up. You know, the obligatory chit chat and pretending to care what they other is up to. Towards the end of the conversation any concern I had of him actually giving a damn about getting to know me was all washed away. How? He said, "Now, you're not going to get all weird on me, are you?" I took this to mean that there were going to be no feelings involved what so ever. Game on!
We had our fling and things were going superb. We would contact each other when the need would arise and then go off on our merry way. Then on one "meeting" he mentioned that he was going to California for a week on a business trip. I was confused as to why the hell he would be telling me he schedule, because frankly, I could give a damn where he went. I just smiled and said ok. Well, he left and a week went by and I hadn't heard from him. I thought nothing of it and then...week two started to go by. Through this couple of weeks I was being asked out by some guy who I honestly don't remember his name. I was refusing because I thought it would be skeezy if I went out on a date with a guy while having a fwb situation with another guy. That logic went out the window when by the end of week two I didn't hear from Sir Needy Von Douchary. I figured he moved on and found some other girl, so I accepted the date.
Okay....so, can you speed this up? I'm getting there. Hold your horses. He finally came home and got in contact with me. We agreed to meet up again, but had to go to a hotel because he had a "friend" visiting him from out of town. During the drive there he gave me a kiss hello, which was strange because he had never done that before. Then he started making real conversation. Now, what I mean by real conversation is questions about how I grew up and about my family. I was caught off guard and answered them because...I didn't know what the hell else to do. After our adult time he brought up the question if I had done anything while he was gone. No, duders, he wasn't asking about daily activities. He was asking if I had done a guy. I told him I went on a date and he freaked out. He went all psycho bitch and starting interrogating me. For a minute I thought he was going to make me pull the car over and water board me. He started to bombard me with questions such as, "Is he better looking than me? Is he bigger than me? Does he make more money than me? I thought we had a connection. How could you do this?" I was in complete and utter shock. How could this seemingly uber confident (boarder lining on arrogance) guy be so insecure? I quickly rebuttaled with the fact that he was the one that didn't want anything serious and didn't want me to get "weird". Needless to say kiddos, it didn't end in a big hug and everybody all happy. He stomped off like a girl that has just started PMS'ing. I, like an idiot, felt horrible for hurting his feelings, or so I thought I hurt his feelings. Come to find out I think I just hurt his ego. He stormed out of the car and said that he needed a couple of days to think about things. After he slammed my car door, I thought to myself, "What the fuck?! Think about what 'things'?"
A couple of days had passed and he finally called me. I really hadn't thought much of him and was just convinced that he was turning into some crazy bitch. He proceeded to tell me that he slept with five girls and I congratulated him on this feat. He got upset and told me I was lucky to be talking to him at all. After all he was my city's most eligible bachelor. To this day I still don't know how he got that title or found the article that he claimed to be in. I tried not to laugh at him and once again proceeded to tell him what he had told me about getting "weird". He got upset and hung up on me. We haven't talked since.
Moral? Even though some people seem to be the entire package, be weary. They may look like 10's and even have other characteristics of 10's but most of them are just good at playing charades. It's almost like they're entire life is a big game of pictionary but with out the crappy drawings. So, duders, if you meet someone that might be too good to be true, you're probably right. Remember these people for the most part are like Christmas ornaments. Very decorative and pretty to look at, but after the season is over with...there's no real purpose to them. Then it's time to dig out that box and hide that bitch away. Until next time, happy dating!
