The Inevitable Break

Wait! What?! I thought you were on cloud nine with the whole poly thing? What's going on blogger?

Let's just say polyamory isn't for me. Unfortunately I need some time to nurse some serious wounds before I can even think of writing about what happened, if I decide to. I need to go away, nurse some wounds and figure out how to pick myself back up. Good luck out there chickadees and duders.

Wait! BLOGGER! What happened?! Will you be ok? Hello?...hello? 

Captain save-a-ho AKA The white knight complex

Okay, so this post is not entirely based on my experience, but it is that of a former friend. What?! You have friends?! Yes, you little heathens I do have friends! I don't hide behind a computer trying to find the dark side of the Internet. Believe it or not, some people find my awkwardness charming. 

Anyhoosers! I've noticed that this one guy friend seems to have this complex. I don't understand why he's attracted to this ratchet bitches, that are so good at playing the victim. I mean, the man looks like a Hispanic version of Joseph Gordon Levit. He's gorgeous and I'm more than sure he knows it. So...for this blog I'll refer to him as JJ (Joseph Jr). 

Okay, well, why do you think he suffers from this terrible affliction Ms. smarty pants? Oh my little duders and chickadees let me give you two prime examples. 

EXAMPLE #1 the lying ho

He met this woman at work. Which to be perfectly honest, is mistake numero uno! (This means number one for all you non Spanish speakers). Never...EVER go out with someone you work with. You know that old saying? Granted it's a bit crass, but fitting. "Don't eat where you shit." Well now blogger! I never! Hey I warned you that it was crass, but it's very true. Nothing good can come out of dating someone you work with. But wait! Aren't there exceptions to this rule? I'm sure there are, but they are rare, so don't bank on being one of them.

Well, back to the story. He meets this woman at work and starts a flirting frenzy with her. You know the typical stolen moments away from other coworkers and the flirty smiles here and there. She tells him that she recently, as in five days ago, broke up with her fiancé. Now, he should have stopped the flirting there, but this dumbass doesn't. She spins him a story of how crazy her fiancé is and how she was just the poor little thing that tried everything to make it work. They hung out on a weekend, fooled around and then once Monday came around...yup you guessed it! She fucking Houdini'd his ass. He called me asking what I thought happened. He then mentions something in passing about her still having her supposedly ex fiancé pictures still up. I, of course, tell him that she's (A) using him until she can patch things up with her man (B) cheating on her man and he's still very much in the picture and clueless  or (C) using him so she won't have to be alone. He tells me that he started to like her and felt like he should be there to help during this troubling time. *eyeroll* I KNOW RIGHT?! What pile of shit! 

So, I guess you're probably wondering what her deal was, huh? She was cheating on her fiancé. When her fiancé got wind of this, all hell broke lose. Poor JJ, I thought at first. He's just too nice of a guy. Little did I know he's just a captain save a ho. 

Okay, but that's just one example. He could have just really liked her and wanted to see the good in her. I thought that too, until this next catfish popped up. 

EXAMPLE #2 the obvious catfish

So after the dust settled with the cheating slut he then meets a girl online. She doesn't have any recent pictures up. It's pretty obvious from the clothing and hairstyle that those pictures were taken in the late 90's or early 2000's. I ask him if she has sent him any recent pictures and he says no. When I ask him why not, he gives this obviously bullshit story of her losing her parents when she was young. Supposedly, an accident that her parents were involved in was well publicized and all the flashes from the reporters cameras left her traumatized when it comes to taking pictures.  Are you fucking kidding me? Nope! This was the story he told me.

Wait! I'm getting a little ahead of myself. What started this conversation was that he asked me again for my opinion. He said that he and this "girl" (because who knows what she really is), had been texting and talking on the phone everyday, then she went cold all of a sudden. She hadn't replied in a couple of days, but had been on social media. Of course, this would irritate anyone. I get it blogger. Can't respond to my text but can post what you ate on Facebook? I'd be pissed too. Well, he got mad enough that he did the unthinkable. What was that blogger? He deleted her from his social media!  :GASPS: I guess this was a big enough deal to her because within minutes she sent him a message. This brings us back to her old ass pictures circa Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

I, being the super sleuth that I am, did a google image search on her pictures and found three profiles with her images looking for someone in Georgia. She had previously told him she lived in California. I told him what I found because we both agreed that something was fishy with her  story. (Haha! Fishy...catfish! Get it? Never mind!) she ends up telling him that she had this profile a "hella" long time ago. Does JJ stop talking to her or proceed with caution? Fuck no! If he had I wouldn't be making this post. He was supposed to meet up with her one weekend and I don't know if he did or not, but last checked they're still going strong. Granted, I don't know if they met or if she turned out to be buffalo bill, but I cut him off. 

Wow! That's a bit harsh, don't you think blogger? No, I don't. What you don't know my babies, is that after his first try at saving some pathetic damsel in distress I spent hours talking to him. I spent a lot of time reassuring him that he wasn't at fault for that first ratchet bitch. I would drop what I was doing to console him. I know that you're thinking, "that's what a good friend does". Yes, a good friend does, but I wasn't going to let him turn me into a captain save a dumbass. I wasn't going to catch him every time he fell knowing he was doing something dumb or trying to save these girls that needed to save themselves. I wasn't going to be his safety net. I wish him all the best and I hope this girl turns out to be the real deal, but as the great Lieutenant Murtaugh said, "I'm too old for this shit!" 

Red flags galore and I'm a dumb ass

Ok, so I'm a dumb ass. Let's get that out of the way.  I should have know that Yukon was probably not the best of people to want to try and start a relationship with.  Well, duh blogger.  One, he was talking to a "friend" of yours first and then he was in a "complicated" situation.  What was that situation anyway?

Well, he was going through a messy as fuck divorce and he had a bunch of kids.  WHAT THE HELL BLOGGER?! REALLY? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH YOU? DESPERATE MUCH? Okay! Okay! Maybe, I had a case of the lonelys and wanted some company.  Could I have made a better choice? Uh...yeah! Not only yeah, but hell yeah.  So, lets cut with the small talk and dive in to where I went wrong.

You already know how we met, which if you don't, read the previous entry.  Don't be a lazy ass.

Red Flag #1:  He was hitting on someone else and when that didn't work he came to me. 

Okay, so my babies, when someone is clearly after someone else, but all of a sudden go for you instead.  This doesn't mean they would rather have you, it means the other person didn't work out and you'll do.  You won't be the exception and they'll see they had it all wrong with their first choice.  Be real.  You're the second choice, not their first.  Don't sell yourself short.  You should never be anyone's second choice or a poor man's "fill in the blank here".   Wow, blogger.  I thought you had a higher opinion of yourself.  Well, so did I, but guess that wasn't the case. Again,this one of the reasons I'm a dumb ass.

Red Flag #2:  He was just going through a divorce.

Now listen up here kiddos.  This is very important, don't pretend like you're paying attention when you're not.  

If someone is just going through a divorce and it's not final yet... DO NOT DATE THEM!!! No matter how shitty their marriage was or how they much they tell you that it's over, it's not.  There is still some feelings there regardless.  I mean...come on! They were married! Of course it's going to take a while to get over that and you won't be the one to help them get over it.  That's not your job, it's theirs.  

Red Flag #3:  He sounded resentful of not being able to sleep around, but still called me his girlfriend.

WTF? WHAT THE HELL?! Yeah, let me explain.  I knew he wanted to take things slow so I never pushed about defining the relationship.  I was okay with us just having "fun". After all, just coming out of the shackles of marriage, it's important to have fun! But, HE was the one that started referring to me as his "girlfriend".  I don't know about you, but when I start calling someone my "boyfriend" that pretty much means monogamy. Right?  Or has society changed so much that those titles don't mean anything anymore.  Do people now just call each other that for shits and giggles? 

Naturally I thought because I had that title that mean we were monogamous.  Well, I don't think Yukon thought that through.  One night after we had "adult" time, he said "Nobody better be getting that!" as he pointed to my lady bits. Of course I was confused as hell and words at that point were failing me.  All I could get out of my mouth was "what?"  He said, "well, if I can't stick mine anywhere else, then you can't have anything else in that either".  As you all very well know, I have an extremely smart mouth.  I snapped back with, "Well, it doesn't have to be that way".  He quickly said for me to behave and drop it.  That's pretty messed up blogger.  I would have punched him in the wiener.  Oh believe me.  It took every ounce of strength I had not to punch him in his wiener or to rip hairs off his nut sack.

Another time, the topic of sexting came up. It started with him saying that he talked to other girls.  I asked him in what way was he talking to them.  Wait! What do you meant "in what way"?  Oh...ok never mind I get it. Really? Can I continue? He responded with that sometimes they were flirty.  I, of course, asked him what any human would ask, "Do they send you naked pictures?" He said no (looking back, that was obviously a bullshit answer), but asked if they had sent him naked pictures,would it be bad.  Of course it would!  What the hell is wrong with him?! Did he have a traumatic brain injury?! I know, I know.  I told him it would and if that's what he wanted, he needed to stop referring to me as his girlfriend.  Needless to say, that conversation didn't end well. This is what led me to the conclusion that Yukon just wanted his cake and to eat it too.  Well, it's cake blogger.  What else are you supposed to do with it?  That's a stupid analogy.  Fine! Let me rephrase that.  Yukon wanted all the perks of the relationship, but either didn't want or wasn't ready for all the strings.  Better?

After this happened I was just looking for an excuse to get rid of this guy.  I kept telling myself that it was better to be rid Yukon, rather than dealing with his hot and cold attitude. 
One minute he'd be all into the "girlfriend" thing then the next he'd be stand offish and have a wondering eye.  Looking back now, I think on those "cold" days he probably saw someone he'd rather have, but had enough respect for me (maybe?) to not do that. 


See my chickadee's and duders,  those three red flags should have been enough to make me run in the other direction.  But my dumb ass decided that nope, deep down inside he's a good guy.  Well, I shouldn't be so mean.  I'm sure he's a good guy.  A good confused as hell guy that wasn't ready for a relationship.  When faced with any red flags slapping you in the face like they did me my babies, it's best to just run like hell in the other direction.  Run like you're going to collect your lottery winnings.  Like Forest Gump, when he's going for the touchdown or like he should have done to get away from dirty girl Jenny.  When someone tells you that they're just coming out of a "something" don't expect anything other than fun.  Unfortunately, you'll probably be the rebound or the time filler if you chose to stick around.  Don't be a dumb ass...like me.