The Inevitable Break

Wait! What?! I thought you were on cloud nine with the whole poly thing? What's going on blogger?

Let's just say polyamory isn't for me. Unfortunately I need some time to nurse some serious wounds before I can even think of writing about what happened, if I decide to. I need to go away, nurse some wounds and figure out how to pick myself back up. Good luck out there chickadees and duders.

Wait! BLOGGER! What happened?! Will you be ok? Hello?...hello? 

Captain save-a-ho AKA The white knight complex

Okay, so this post is not entirely based on my experience, but it is that of a former friend. What?! You have friends?! Yes, you little heathens I do have friends! I don't hide behind a computer trying to find the dark side of the Internet. Believe it or not, some people find my awkwardness charming. 

Anyhoosers! I've noticed that this one guy friend seems to have this complex. I don't understand why he's attracted to this ratchet bitches, that are so good at playing the victim. I mean, the man looks like a Hispanic version of Joseph Gordon Levit. He's gorgeous and I'm more than sure he knows it. So...for this blog I'll refer to him as JJ (Joseph Jr). 

Okay, well, why do you think he suffers from this terrible affliction Ms. smarty pants? Oh my little duders and chickadees let me give you two prime examples. 

EXAMPLE #1 the lying ho

He met this woman at work. Which to be perfectly honest, is mistake numero uno! (This means number one for all you non Spanish speakers). Never...EVER go out with someone you work with. You know that old saying? Granted it's a bit crass, but fitting. "Don't eat where you shit." Well now blogger! I never! Hey I warned you that it was crass, but it's very true. Nothing good can come out of dating someone you work with. But wait! Aren't there exceptions to this rule? I'm sure there are, but they are rare, so don't bank on being one of them.

Well, back to the story. He meets this woman at work and starts a flirting frenzy with her. You know the typical stolen moments away from other coworkers and the flirty smiles here and there. She tells him that she recently, as in five days ago, broke up with her fiancé. Now, he should have stopped the flirting there, but this dumbass doesn't. She spins him a story of how crazy her fiancé is and how she was just the poor little thing that tried everything to make it work. They hung out on a weekend, fooled around and then once Monday came around...yup you guessed it! She fucking Houdini'd his ass. He called me asking what I thought happened. He then mentions something in passing about her still having her supposedly ex fiancé pictures still up. I, of course, tell him that she's (A) using him until she can patch things up with her man (B) cheating on her man and he's still very much in the picture and clueless  or (C) using him so she won't have to be alone. He tells me that he started to like her and felt like he should be there to help during this troubling time. *eyeroll* I KNOW RIGHT?! What pile of shit! 

So, I guess you're probably wondering what her deal was, huh? She was cheating on her fiancé. When her fiancé got wind of this, all hell broke lose. Poor JJ, I thought at first. He's just too nice of a guy. Little did I know he's just a captain save a ho. 

Okay, but that's just one example. He could have just really liked her and wanted to see the good in her. I thought that too, until this next catfish popped up. 

EXAMPLE #2 the obvious catfish

So after the dust settled with the cheating slut he then meets a girl online. She doesn't have any recent pictures up. It's pretty obvious from the clothing and hairstyle that those pictures were taken in the late 90's or early 2000's. I ask him if she has sent him any recent pictures and he says no. When I ask him why not, he gives this obviously bullshit story of her losing her parents when she was young. Supposedly, an accident that her parents were involved in was well publicized and all the flashes from the reporters cameras left her traumatized when it comes to taking pictures.  Are you fucking kidding me? Nope! This was the story he told me.

Wait! I'm getting a little ahead of myself. What started this conversation was that he asked me again for my opinion. He said that he and this "girl" (because who knows what she really is), had been texting and talking on the phone everyday, then she went cold all of a sudden. She hadn't replied in a couple of days, but had been on social media. Of course, this would irritate anyone. I get it blogger. Can't respond to my text but can post what you ate on Facebook? I'd be pissed too. Well, he got mad enough that he did the unthinkable. What was that blogger? He deleted her from his social media!  :GASPS: I guess this was a big enough deal to her because within minutes she sent him a message. This brings us back to her old ass pictures circa Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

I, being the super sleuth that I am, did a google image search on her pictures and found three profiles with her images looking for someone in Georgia. She had previously told him she lived in California. I told him what I found because we both agreed that something was fishy with her  story. (Haha! Fishy...catfish! Get it? Never mind!) she ends up telling him that she had this profile a "hella" long time ago. Does JJ stop talking to her or proceed with caution? Fuck no! If he had I wouldn't be making this post. He was supposed to meet up with her one weekend and I don't know if he did or not, but last checked they're still going strong. Granted, I don't know if they met or if she turned out to be buffalo bill, but I cut him off. 

Wow! That's a bit harsh, don't you think blogger? No, I don't. What you don't know my babies, is that after his first try at saving some pathetic damsel in distress I spent hours talking to him. I spent a lot of time reassuring him that he wasn't at fault for that first ratchet bitch. I would drop what I was doing to console him. I know that you're thinking, "that's what a good friend does". Yes, a good friend does, but I wasn't going to let him turn me into a captain save a dumbass. I wasn't going to catch him every time he fell knowing he was doing something dumb or trying to save these girls that needed to save themselves. I wasn't going to be his safety net. I wish him all the best and I hope this girl turns out to be the real deal, but as the great Lieutenant Murtaugh said, "I'm too old for this shit!" 

Red flags galore and I'm a dumb ass

Ok, so I'm a dumb ass. Let's get that out of the way.  I should have know that Yukon was probably not the best of people to want to try and start a relationship with.  Well, duh blogger.  One, he was talking to a "friend" of yours first and then he was in a "complicated" situation.  What was that situation anyway?

Well, he was going through a messy as fuck divorce and he had a bunch of kids.  WHAT THE HELL BLOGGER?! REALLY? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH YOU? DESPERATE MUCH? Okay! Okay! Maybe, I had a case of the lonelys and wanted some company.  Could I have made a better choice? Uh...yeah! Not only yeah, but hell yeah.  So, lets cut with the small talk and dive in to where I went wrong.

You already know how we met, which if you don't, read the previous entry.  Don't be a lazy ass.

Red Flag #1:  He was hitting on someone else and when that didn't work he came to me. 

Okay, so my babies, when someone is clearly after someone else, but all of a sudden go for you instead.  This doesn't mean they would rather have you, it means the other person didn't work out and you'll do.  You won't be the exception and they'll see they had it all wrong with their first choice.  Be real.  You're the second choice, not their first.  Don't sell yourself short.  You should never be anyone's second choice or a poor man's "fill in the blank here".   Wow, blogger.  I thought you had a higher opinion of yourself.  Well, so did I, but guess that wasn't the case. Again,this one of the reasons I'm a dumb ass.

Red Flag #2:  He was just going through a divorce.

Now listen up here kiddos.  This is very important, don't pretend like you're paying attention when you're not.  

If someone is just going through a divorce and it's not final yet... DO NOT DATE THEM!!! No matter how shitty their marriage was or how they much they tell you that it's over, it's not.  There is still some feelings there regardless.  I mean...come on! They were married! Of course it's going to take a while to get over that and you won't be the one to help them get over it.  That's not your job, it's theirs.  

Red Flag #3:  He sounded resentful of not being able to sleep around, but still called me his girlfriend.

WTF? WHAT THE HELL?! Yeah, let me explain.  I knew he wanted to take things slow so I never pushed about defining the relationship.  I was okay with us just having "fun". After all, just coming out of the shackles of marriage, it's important to have fun! But, HE was the one that started referring to me as his "girlfriend".  I don't know about you, but when I start calling someone my "boyfriend" that pretty much means monogamy. Right?  Or has society changed so much that those titles don't mean anything anymore.  Do people now just call each other that for shits and giggles? 

Naturally I thought because I had that title that mean we were monogamous.  Well, I don't think Yukon thought that through.  One night after we had "adult" time, he said "Nobody better be getting that!" as he pointed to my lady bits. Of course I was confused as hell and words at that point were failing me.  All I could get out of my mouth was "what?"  He said, "well, if I can't stick mine anywhere else, then you can't have anything else in that either".  As you all very well know, I have an extremely smart mouth.  I snapped back with, "Well, it doesn't have to be that way".  He quickly said for me to behave and drop it.  That's pretty messed up blogger.  I would have punched him in the wiener.  Oh believe me.  It took every ounce of strength I had not to punch him in his wiener or to rip hairs off his nut sack.

Another time, the topic of sexting came up. It started with him saying that he talked to other girls.  I asked him in what way was he talking to them.  Wait! What do you meant "in what way"?  Oh...ok never mind I get it. Really? Can I continue? He responded with that sometimes they were flirty.  I, of course, asked him what any human would ask, "Do they send you naked pictures?" He said no (looking back, that was obviously a bullshit answer), but asked if they had sent him naked pictures,would it be bad.  Of course it would!  What the hell is wrong with him?! Did he have a traumatic brain injury?! I know, I know.  I told him it would and if that's what he wanted, he needed to stop referring to me as his girlfriend.  Needless to say, that conversation didn't end well. This is what led me to the conclusion that Yukon just wanted his cake and to eat it too.  Well, it's cake blogger.  What else are you supposed to do with it?  That's a stupid analogy.  Fine! Let me rephrase that.  Yukon wanted all the perks of the relationship, but either didn't want or wasn't ready for all the strings.  Better?

After this happened I was just looking for an excuse to get rid of this guy.  I kept telling myself that it was better to be rid Yukon, rather than dealing with his hot and cold attitude. 
One minute he'd be all into the "girlfriend" thing then the next he'd be stand offish and have a wondering eye.  Looking back now, I think on those "cold" days he probably saw someone he'd rather have, but had enough respect for me (maybe?) to not do that. 


See my chickadee's and duders,  those three red flags should have been enough to make me run in the other direction.  But my dumb ass decided that nope, deep down inside he's a good guy.  Well, I shouldn't be so mean.  I'm sure he's a good guy.  A good confused as hell guy that wasn't ready for a relationship.  When faced with any red flags slapping you in the face like they did me my babies, it's best to just run like hell in the other direction.  Run like you're going to collect your lottery winnings.  Like Forest Gump, when he's going for the touchdown or like he should have done to get away from dirty girl Jenny.  When someone tells you that they're just coming out of a "something" don't expect anything other than fun.  Unfortunately, you'll probably be the rebound or the time filler if you chose to stick around.  Don't be a dumb ass...like me.

Taking things slow with Yukon Cornelius

Ok. I know I should probably apologize for not writing in a while, but I'm not. Really? That's kinda rude blogger! At least a "how are you?" would be nice. 

Well, after the whole on and off drama filled craptastic deal with Sparky, I needed some time off. I needed time to really reflect on both our parts in that epic downfall and give myself some time to nurse some wounds. Geeze blogger, dramatic much? 

Uh no! Remember it takes some time to get over something that significant in your life, but anyhoo back to the subject at hand. What? Are you gonna start rapping "ain't nothing but a g thing" now? Ahh good catch my chickadees and duders, but we both know I'm not that cool. 

So after a hiatus in dating I started dipping my toe in the online dating pool once again because well...that's all I know. I had no luck on my usual dating website of choice and was getting quickly frustrated at the cesspool of trolls I was finding. After one day of reading vile messages from the typical douchebaggery males that lurk on these types of sites, I decided to check my Twitter. Hold up there, blogger! What kind of messages? Like skeezy pervy ones? Like what color panties are you wearing messages? Woah! Someone needs to get laid! Anyhoosers! I started a conversation with a couple of people on there(Twitter). One, who I will later write about turned out to be the definition of an asshole. Not literally of course, but figuratively. The other was, who I will affectionalty refer to as Yukon Cornelius. 

Is he a red headed and bearded guy looking for silver? Are you going crazy and thinking you're in Rudolph the red nosed reindeer? Do we need to lock you up in a psych ward? No, no! He has a delicious beard and made a joke about looking like him when he wears a beanie. He is not a ginger either!

Well, he was talking to a female "friend" of mine and he was flirting with her. She was knocking him because of his beard and I was defending him. Why? Because I'm a huge fan of beards and he desperately needed a wingman. The guy was crashing and burning, but for some odd reason I found it adorable. Somehow the topic of sugar daddy came up and I pushed my Twitter amiga to him.  She, at the time, didn't mind this situation and I'm not one to knock anything. What are you now, a Madame? Who are you?! What happened?! No my babies, I'm not a pimp. Although I wouldn't mind the cool coat and cane. JUST KIDDING! 

Long story short, I kept trying to play match maker, but she found greener pastures and abandoned Yukon. That's kinda sad, blogger. Yeah...not really.  Not for me anyhow. Gross! You went for sloppy seconds and let some guy see you as his second option? It's not like that at all. He jokes that this was his master plan all along and I joke I'm second fiddle, but that's besides the point. After a few messages he propositioned me with the whole sugar daddy/baby thing. I know what you're thinking. How could I be so desperate? I didn't except it. I thanked him for the offer, but told him I would not sale myself.  Why were you being so nice?! You should have told him to fuck off and punched him in the wiener!  Like I said, I don't knock anyone for their "likes". Turns out, that was his test to see what kind of girl I was. Uh huh, so he says. Damn when did y'all become so pessimistic?

After I sent that message I didn't expect to hear from him, but I did. Turns out, Yukon isn't that douche I thought he was. He's actually a sweet guy in a bit of a situation that he's working out. What situation? What's this guys red flag? Is he on parole? No he's not and he's not married or in transition. Ok fine! He's getting out of a bad relationship. But, isn't  that a red flag? Normally, yes, but he's dated other girls before me and I know this isn't rebounding.

Due to this situation and him trying to get things in order it's made us have to take things slow. Which is a complete change to my usual dating predicaments. With Sparky, after date two we were officially a couple and that's pretty much been the pattern. Yukon, doesn't operate things that way.  He's different. Oooh! Different she says. Heard that load of billshit before. Hey! Be nice now, kiddos. 

He's different because he's not trying to rush me into anything and he's actually taking my feelings into consideration. It's almost as if every move he makes with me he actually thinks about how I would feel before he makes that move. :gasps:  I know, right? A male that's actually considerate and thoughtful. I know, that he may feel more for me than he'd care to admit and this probably freaks him out.  Wow, when did you become so cocky? Look, I say this because I feel the same way. It's all so new and with his situation, he needs to be cautious. Anyone who comes out of a bad relationship needs to be a little cautious in the beginning, including me. It's so easy to get swept up in the idea of a relationship. Normally I would throw caution to the wind, but he makes me think about it first. I love that! I've never dated someone with whom we were able to take things slow and let things evolve organically instead of rushing it. Sparky and I rushed things and look what that got us.

Yukon gave me a new appreciation for taking things at a slower pace. I enjoy being in the moment with him instead of worrying about what the future may hold for us or if there will be a future. For once, I'm not trying to predict what's going to happen a month from now. I'm enjoying each date and each moment I spend with him without the dread of trying to be Ms. Cleo. 

So...you're not trying to see if this is a waste of time? I mean, you're not getting any younger. Harsh! No, I'm not getting any younger, but that's ok. I'm not going to rush something that's already good. You know that saying,"sometimes you need to stop and smell the roses"? I don't think that only applies to living life but also to relationships. Things as heavy as this can't be rushed no matter how much we may want to. No, I don't know if I found my forever, but that's ok. Sometimes, you just have to stop treating relationships like a freaking sprint. Stop trying to race your way to finish line. When it comes to relationships, be an old fart and take a leisurely stroll through it. Never know. Might just enjoy yourself. Happy dating my babies! 

Keep, keep moving on

So, I've gone back and forth now for weeks wondering if I should even post this next blog because it's a very sensitive topic.  What's going on blogger? Wait! Are you preggos? You dirty slut! Uh...no. I'm not pregnant (thank God).

Ok, after my last blog post Sparky and I played the torturous back and forth drama filled relationship dance that so many of us play. Ha! You drama queen! Hush you! Let's be serious for a bit. Anyhoo! As I was saying, Sparky and I went back and forth for a long time before finally calling it quits in April.  It was horrible, but we did the same shit we always do to each other. A late night text saying I miss you and us saying we'd both have a clean slate, then a couple days later and it was back to the same who did what to whom routine.  It wasn't a good ending, to say the very least and I didn't want to write this blog post and sound like a total b.b. (bitter bitch).  I thought if I was going to write about this relationship I wanted to give it the dignity it deserved since we, Sparky and I, weren't able to do that during our last break up.

Geeze, blogger. Sounds like this is going to be a real tear jerker.
Well, no it's not. I'm just going to let you in on what I've learned from this.

See, this relationship wasn't always horrible. We had some really wonderful times, but something unfortunate happened and someone was betrayed (if you read my last post I'm sure you'll know what I'm talking about) and that's where it all started to unravel. At least, for me that's when it happened.  Now, I admit, I was guilty of going back and forth on whether I wanted this relationship to work. After Sparky did what he did, I still very much loved him and wanted no one else, but I was also still very hurt and wanted him to hurt like he hurt me. I know, I know! Not the most mature thing to do, but I wasn't thinking clearly in this time period.   Needless to say I started the first round of back and forth hokey pokey relationship dance. Nice going, you dirty pirate hooker. I KNOW!

When we would first try and work things out that first conversation was amazing. We would apologize about everything and promise to try harder, but come a couple of days in and insecurity would rear it's ugly head and we'd be at each other's throats again. I would be thinking he was fucking around and he'd be thinking I was going to leave soon. We both were standing one foot inside the relationship door and one foot out.  We never did give each other the clean slate we always promised the other.   Now that I think of it, I wonder if that's even possible for any relationship. 

What? A clean slate? Why not blogger?
Well, hear me out. What exactly is a clean slate? To totally wipe clean the other's indiscretions,  right?  I don't see how that's completely possible unless you have one of those Men in Black mind eraser thingies or know the doctor from Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless mind.  It's a beautiful idea, but not possible. No one will ever forget how you betrayed them and hurt them. No one will ever be able to forget that pain. Can they forgive? Sure! But that's a totally different thing. See, Sparky and I didn't really even try to give each other a clean slate nor did we take full responsibility for the actions that brought us to this point.  We were both to proud to stop pointing fingers at the other and wanting so much to be right that we ultimately destroyed the relationship. 

Wow, blogger. Neither one of you could get your head our of your asses long enough to see what was really going on? Nope, I guess we couldn't.  Wait, scratch that. It's not that we couldn't, we wouldn't. We were both too hurt by what we had been doing to each other we were both set on who was the ultimate victim in this scenario. Now, at the end of the day my friends and family will say I'm the victim and his will say that he is, but none of that matters. We're now both left in this unnecessary rubble that we both created. We have no one to blame, but ourselves.

What we could have done? Really given each other that second chance and meaning it instead of just saying the words, because they sounded right at the time. Take the time to understand how much we hurt the other without being reminded of our own pain. We deeply loved each other and desperately wanted a future together, but we let this chaos get in the way. It can be easily chalked up to a tragic and stupid love story, but I refuse to see it as such.

And why is that? Oh wise one?
Well, to sum it up as that would mean we're both miserable and I refuse to let that happen.  After a while of mourning the loss of Sparky I finally went on a date. This doesn't mean I'm jumping into another relationship,  but I am getting my feet wet again in the dating pool. Do I wish him ill will? Oh God no. I hope he meets someone amazing. After all he is amazing, we just weren't amazing together. I hope he meets a woman who will give him everything he wants and the things he didn't even know he wanted. I pray he finds a good woman to make his wife and he has that family he dreams of. He deserves nothing less and I hope he wishes the same for me (although I highly doubt it).  We both deserve that.

The moral, my babies, mean the things you say and do them. Don't just say words because they sound right at the time.  If you think you found your forever and it turns out you didn't.. it's ok. It's gonna hurt like hell, but it will get better. I still think of him from time to time and it's not that bad stuff I remember.  It's all the good times we had. Life is too short to hold onto a grudge.  All you can do is learn from it and move on. Keep your head up and keep keeping on. Good luck out there my duders and chickadees.  Until next time....

Happily Ever After...My Ass

What's going on blogger? What's up with title? I thought you and Sparky were going to be forever?

Well, so did I. Unfortunately, duders and chickadees that wasn't his plan. My Sparky did the unthinkable. What? He cheated?! Yes, in a way. Apparently, I wasn't the only girl he was talking to. Yes, my babies, my heart is completely broken and I'm miserable. Not only did my love, or so I thought he was, did this one but twice. I guess the lesson I learned was that sometimes people don't change.

Why in the hell did you even give him another chance?

Sometimes, you love someone so much you believe they deserve a second chance. You want so much to believe that it was just a stupid mistake, but that's neither here or there. The point of this blog post is a survival guide of sorts to get over a break up.

1. Give yourself a day ( or two, or three, or four) to mourn.

This is only natural. You need to mourn the death of what you thought could have been your forever. It's ok to have a candy bar or that scoop of ice cream and watch some horror movies. It's ok to get a little chocolate wasted while blasting heartbreak music. Just don't be a heffer and eat a gallon of ice cream and 15 candy bars while sinking into a pit of despair. That will only lead to food guilt and you being 15 lbs heavier and even more miserable.

2. Remind yourself why you left AND DON'T call them.

I know that all of us who'll probably have more drinks than we're suppose to and do that dreaded drunk call to them. Don't do it! If you know you're going to have one of those booze filled sad nights, for God's sake, give your phone to someone you trust. Shit! Hide your damn phone and save yourself the embarrassment of letting your ex hearing you're drunken patheticness begging them back. Remind yourself of what they did and don't get booze mind and think of the special way they looked at you or the awesome sex you had with them. Remember what that asshat did to you. Put on some girl power, or guy power, music and find some damn restraint. 3. Sober up and keep busy

The key to not falling back into their spider web of deceit is to stay busy. But blogger how do you break those routines you had with them? Well, do the things you liked to do when you were single. Go hang out with friends. Go take the dog for a walk, play freaking candy crush. Do anything that keeps your mind from wandering back to them. Find your happiness without them again.

4. Don't think that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new.

What? Bullshit, blogger! Ain't nothing wrong with some getting some strange. Uh, yeah there is.  BULLSHIT!!! Listen up, you horny little devils. This may sound like  a harmless fun way to get over them, but it's not. Chances are you'll end up with some less than par person and you won't even enjoy the sex. Sex is suppose to be fun. Don't associate it with sad vagina or penis. If you do embark on this stupid choice you'll only end up have really bad sex and feeling like you need a shower and possibly a hepatitis test.

5. Pamper yourself and finally deal with the situation with a clear head.

Ok, now this sounds like a scene from a crappy lifetime movie. Cue the montage and the cheesy 90's music. Hey! First of all, not all lifetime movies are bad and not all of the movies have cheesy music. Seriously though, go get your hurr did. Go buy a new outfit, some smell good stuff. Build up that confidence. Now, the hard part.

Once you've had time to really deal with the situation. Either take the time to take responsibility for your actions or finally see that it wasn't your fault. If you ever want to really move on, you need to accept what happen. Wow, that's pretty deep blogger. I haven't heard that little pearl of wisdom before. Was that sarcasm I hear? Smart asses.

Look, the truth. Breakups suck old gamey balls. They aren't easy, there not suppose to be. But, they happen for a reason. Just don't give up hope that you'll find someone that will treat you like the queen or king you are. Yes, I'm not exactly the happiest right now, but I refuse to give up hope. With out that, I might as well start buying cats and tucking my dresses into my panty hose.
Keep your heads up kiddos, keep searching and enjoy this chaotic ride of dating.

Bad timing, Red coats, Paul Revere and fucking Kenny Rogers

I'm going to skip introductions at this point and get straight to the story.  I feel as if by now there's no real need for them. It's about fucking time blogger!  'Bout time we no longer have to wade through the "bs" that is your introductions. Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Bite me. 

After much time on a free dating site I started to wonder if there would be a difference if I ventured to a dating website that one needed to pay for.  I don't mean like layouts or message fonts.  Not crappy superficial stuff like that, but if there would be a different caliber of people there.  My thinking was that maybe because this website required a membership fee it would weed out the ass hats that used the free website for quick hook ups.  So, after much research, I settled on one dating website that wasn't too expensive but still looked like it wasn't infested with the average ghetto hoodrats and wanna be thugs the other free website was permeated with.  I paid my membership fee and with fingers crossed started to fill out a questionnaire that was unnecessarily way too long.  At first I started to get frustrated with the endless amount of repetitive questions it was asking, but somehow convinced myself that these numerous questions would help me find a better "match". 

Well, did all those questions help narrow down the choices to the special few that would capture your heart, blogger? HELL NO!!

Almost immediately after I finished up the hour long questionnaire then filling out my profile I could smell the desperation coming from my computer screen.  Granted it was a faint smell that confused me some, but never the less still the smell of desperation.  When looking at my potential matches, I quickly found how useless a lot of those questions were.  Most of matches were based off the fact that I enjoyed movies and animals and guess what?!  So did they!!! Then to top it off most of them, my potential matches, were so quick to talk about marriage and kids that the normal little red flags I would get from some were like flashing Las Vegas signs from these guys.  Huge neon signs that screamed, "Run bitch! Run!  He's crazy and desperate and will probably roofie you if you leave your drink unattended"  Okay, well, maybe not the roofie part, but you get my drift. 

If I was not being bombarded by messages from these desperate fools I was being rejected by men I might be interested in.  It was quickly becoming a no win situation for me and I was starting to wonder if me paying the $40 a month membership was worth it.  I, of course, quickly decided that two months of this nonsense was quite enough and I discontinued my service. Okay...so...where the hell is this going? Damn you're so long winded blogger! Well, if you would let me finish you'd know that just because I discontinued my membership didn't mean it was done that day.  I still had paid for the month and was still able to look.  At times I asked myself why I was still looking, then he happened.

Who happened?  Are we finally getting to the guy? Thank you Jesus! Yes! We're finally getting to the guy. Geeze!  Well, anyhoo!  I came across this one profile with an attractive man who hailed from England.  We'll call him the Redcoat. I read Redcoat's profile and was somewhat intrigued.  I noticed I had this special "VIP" bullshit email thing that I could use to show someone I was really interested and I decided to use it.  Why? Well, why not?  Plus I wanted to hear his accent.  I sent him the super special email with who knows what cheesy opening line and we began chatting.

He was very easy to talk to.  I was working overtime when we were emailing back and forth so it was hard for me to access this account at work due to poor service on my cell phone.  This was a perfect excuse for me to give him my number and suggest we text.  I have to admit that was a pretty smooth move on my part. *Patting myself on the back*  I didn't think that things would progress as quickly as they did, but they did.  On my way home I called him and we talked my entire drive home. I quickly gave him the nickname "Sparky" because his sense of humor kind of reminded me of Clark Griswold from the National Lampoons vacation movies.   He asked what my plans were for the day and I told him I was probably going to take a nap when I got home, then who knows. How we ended up agreeing to meet the very same day we message each other?  Hell if I know, but I figured you only live once, right?

We met at our local coffee house chain and when I pulled up next to his car he had a sign on his window that read, " I AM SPARKY".  This of course made me laugh so hard my stomach hurt.  We didn't end up having coffee to begin with and instead went to a restaurant. But what about your rule, blogger? First dates are to always be at coffee houses! Remember?! Yes, I remember, but for some reason this guy made me break all the rules.  The date was going swimmingly until his ex was brought up.  The rest of the night was mostly about him talking about it and what happened.  I immediately knew that this was a huge red flag. He insisted that he was over it but I knew better. Granted, not all of the night was him venting about his ex.  There were moments of joking and us exchanging stories, it was quite pleasant.  We ended the night at the coffee shop where we finally got a coffee then a kiss goodnight.  After that we didn't really meet up again.  I felt as if he was giving me the brush off and I didn't understand why.  Uh, maybe because he wasn't over his ex stupid! Well, I know this now, like I've said in a previous post, hind site is such a bitch.

Finally we met up again sometime later and somehow ended up as friends with benefits, but we weren't really friends yet.  Everything was going smoothly until one night after adult time, we were spooning, I was the little spoon. Why you needed to know that detail? I don't know, but whatever!  He asked, "I hope you see me more than just a booty call".  I initially thought, "Damn it! Things are now going to get complicated".  Don't get me wrong.  I was started to have feelings for this man.  After all he was charming, handsome, had a body that looked photo shopped and he treated me like a woman should be treated.  Not to mention he was just a big a freak as I was in bed.  But, I was successful at repressing my feelings for him up until then.  I responded with "How do you want me to see you".  He of course then snapped out of his sex drunken state and started to stutter about having to use the bathroom.  I laid there thinking that this was probably going to end soon, but I was not going to not have an answer to my question.  When he returned to bed I figured I'd re-ask the question but in a more blunt and simple fashion.  What did I say? "So do I keep you at arms length?" To which he replied, "yes".  I knew what his answer would be, but didn't think it would bother me as much as it did.  We then ended up going to sleep, but I knew that as soon as the sun came up I'd be gone. 

The next morning he got up and gave me a kiss on the forehead and went to make coffee.  We had developed a routine by then where he would make coffee and I would join him as he watch a soccer game.  This morning, however I was not going to join him.  I was still hurt and upset about his answer the night before, so I started to gather my things to leave.  He, of course, was flabbergasted that I was going to leave so soon.  When he asked me why I was leaving so abruptly I simply responded with "Arms length, remember?" After that it wasn't such a pretty sight.  I left, then came back and we talked about this situation.  He ended it by saying that maybe we should "cool it" for a while.  I, reluctantly agreed.  We didn't talk for a few days after that.

By the third day of our stand off, I was miserable.  I was finding it hard to concentrate at work and was constantly checking my phone, hoping to hear from him.  Then I got a text saying, "For what it's worth, I miss my friend".  Initially I was happy to hear from him, but then quickly was put off by the word "friend".  I had been friend zoned and my heart sank.  I don't remember if it was that day or the next that we met up again. All I remember was that it was a Friday and I was just finished with having a drink with my co-workers when I mustered up the liquid courage to have this heart to heart with him.  He had stated before then that there was some things he wanted to "talk" to me about which naturally made me nervous, thus me needing the liquid courage.  After my one drink, I began the drive to his house.

I got to his house and we began with bullshit idle chit chat until he said it was time to really "talk".  He said that he really cared for me but that he wasn't sure of what he wanted.  This is another red flag chickadees and duders.  If a guy says he's not sure of what he wants, it either means he doesn't want to hurt you because he wants to still sleep with you or he honestly doesn't think he's ready to take that plunge with you. How we ended up agreeing to only see each other is beyond me, but that ended up being the end result. 

I don't know about you guys, but in my world and circle of friends we all tend to agree that if you cap someone off (agree to monogamy) you're in a relationship regardless if you want to admit it or not. Somehow this Redcoat kept insisting that he wasn't ready for a relationship and didn't want to be in one yet.  This baffled me.  We were doing everything people do in relationships, even had monogamy, but still this Muppet (British slang for idiot) was against relationships. Needless to say this frustrated me beyond all hell.  What brought us to our inevitable demise was one weekend I was under the impression we were to spend time together Friday but he thought since had already done that Thursday we weren't going to get together the next day. Simple miscommunication right?  NOPE!  He had already made plans for Saturday which I knew of and frankly didn't care if he went or not.  I wanted him to go hang out with his friends.  Well, here's another instance where I'm going to give you pearls, kiddos.  Never, ever have an important conversation over text messaging.  Things get so misinterpreted its ridiculous.  Call them, for God's sake.  It ended up with him getting mad and I didn't hear from him that weekend.  I was confused as to why he was so upset.  Come Monday when we finally talk to each other after him dodging me the entire weekend.  He was upset and kept saying that he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and that he had other more important things to worry about.  I quickly then remembered that I had called him out saying that we were basically in a relationship and it sucked that he couldn't just admit it.  It wasn't that I wanted the title, kiddos.  I was just tired of him pussy footing around what were actually were and if he didn't think we were that then why the monogamy?  Again we had another break and the last time I talked to him I wished him well.  I told him I wanted him to be happy but didn't think I could be his friend.  At least not at that moment.

Fast forward three months and time has begun to heal the wounds this Redcoat left behind.  At times I wondered where the fuck was Paul Revere to warn me this Brit was coming my way.  Then one day I was listening to a Kenny Rogers song called "The Gambler" and one line made me chuckle a bit.  The line that goes, "know when to hold them, know when to fold them" especially stuck out.  My bestie who was with me at the time said, "guess you should have applied that to the Redcoat situation, huh? " Granted the Redcoat and I are slowly mending things, but not heading into a "relationship" status.  I honestly don't know if I can be his friend, but I do know I'm going to try.  Why? Because on our first date I agreed that no matter what happened we'd be friends and I don't back out on my word.  He has done nothing to intentionally hurt me.  He's not a malicious guy, just a guy who bit off more than he could chew.  So...back to that line from The Gambler.  No, I'm glad I didn't fold them at our first date.  Despite the heartbreak, I did learn something, my lovelies.  It doesn't matter how much two people care for each other if the timing isn't right.  Sometimes someone can truly care for you, but still have baggage they need to sort through first.  So, no Mr. Kenny Rogers I don't agree with you and go eat some of your chicken and shut your damn pie hole! Until next time kiddies, happy dating!