Taking things slow with Yukon Cornelius

Ok. I know I should probably apologize for not writing in a while, but I'm not. Really? That's kinda rude blogger! At least a "how are you?" would be nice. 

Well, after the whole on and off drama filled craptastic deal with Sparky, I needed some time off. I needed time to really reflect on both our parts in that epic downfall and give myself some time to nurse some wounds. Geeze blogger, dramatic much? 

Uh no! Remember it takes some time to get over something that significant in your life, but anyhoo back to the subject at hand. What? Are you gonna start rapping "ain't nothing but a g thing" now? Ahh good catch my chickadees and duders, but we both know I'm not that cool. 

So after a hiatus in dating I started dipping my toe in the online dating pool once again because well...that's all I know. I had no luck on my usual dating website of choice and was getting quickly frustrated at the cesspool of trolls I was finding. After one day of reading vile messages from the typical douchebaggery males that lurk on these types of sites, I decided to check my Twitter. Hold up there, blogger! What kind of messages? Like skeezy pervy ones? Like what color panties are you wearing messages? Woah! Someone needs to get laid! Anyhoosers! I started a conversation with a couple of people on there(Twitter). One, who I will later write about turned out to be the definition of an asshole. Not literally of course, but figuratively. The other was, who I will affectionalty refer to as Yukon Cornelius. 

Is he a red headed and bearded guy looking for silver? Are you going crazy and thinking you're in Rudolph the red nosed reindeer? Do we need to lock you up in a psych ward? No, no! He has a delicious beard and made a joke about looking like him when he wears a beanie. He is not a ginger either!

Well, he was talking to a female "friend" of mine and he was flirting with her. She was knocking him because of his beard and I was defending him. Why? Because I'm a huge fan of beards and he desperately needed a wingman. The guy was crashing and burning, but for some odd reason I found it adorable. Somehow the topic of sugar daddy came up and I pushed my Twitter amiga to him.  She, at the time, didn't mind this situation and I'm not one to knock anything. What are you now, a Madame? Who are you?! What happened?! No my babies, I'm not a pimp. Although I wouldn't mind the cool coat and cane. JUST KIDDING! 

Long story short, I kept trying to play match maker, but she found greener pastures and abandoned Yukon. That's kinda sad, blogger. Yeah...not really.  Not for me anyhow. Gross! You went for sloppy seconds and let some guy see you as his second option? It's not like that at all. He jokes that this was his master plan all along and I joke I'm second fiddle, but that's besides the point. After a few messages he propositioned me with the whole sugar daddy/baby thing. I know what you're thinking. How could I be so desperate? I didn't except it. I thanked him for the offer, but told him I would not sale myself.  Why were you being so nice?! You should have told him to fuck off and punched him in the wiener!  Like I said, I don't knock anyone for their "likes". Turns out, that was his test to see what kind of girl I was. Uh huh, so he says. Damn when did y'all become so pessimistic?

After I sent that message I didn't expect to hear from him, but I did. Turns out, Yukon isn't that douche I thought he was. He's actually a sweet guy in a bit of a situation that he's working out. What situation? What's this guys red flag? Is he on parole? No he's not and he's not married or in transition. Ok fine! He's getting out of a bad relationship. But, isn't  that a red flag? Normally, yes, but he's dated other girls before me and I know this isn't rebounding.

Due to this situation and him trying to get things in order it's made us have to take things slow. Which is a complete change to my usual dating predicaments. With Sparky, after date two we were officially a couple and that's pretty much been the pattern. Yukon, doesn't operate things that way.  He's different. Oooh! Different she says. Heard that load of billshit before. Hey! Be nice now, kiddos. 

He's different because he's not trying to rush me into anything and he's actually taking my feelings into consideration. It's almost as if every move he makes with me he actually thinks about how I would feel before he makes that move. :gasps:  I know, right? A male that's actually considerate and thoughtful. I know, that he may feel more for me than he'd care to admit and this probably freaks him out.  Wow, when did you become so cocky? Look, I say this because I feel the same way. It's all so new and with his situation, he needs to be cautious. Anyone who comes out of a bad relationship needs to be a little cautious in the beginning, including me. It's so easy to get swept up in the idea of a relationship. Normally I would throw caution to the wind, but he makes me think about it first. I love that! I've never dated someone with whom we were able to take things slow and let things evolve organically instead of rushing it. Sparky and I rushed things and look what that got us.

Yukon gave me a new appreciation for taking things at a slower pace. I enjoy being in the moment with him instead of worrying about what the future may hold for us or if there will be a future. For once, I'm not trying to predict what's going to happen a month from now. I'm enjoying each date and each moment I spend with him without the dread of trying to be Ms. Cleo. 

So...you're not trying to see if this is a waste of time? I mean, you're not getting any younger. Harsh! No, I'm not getting any younger, but that's ok. I'm not going to rush something that's already good. You know that saying,"sometimes you need to stop and smell the roses"? I don't think that only applies to living life but also to relationships. Things as heavy as this can't be rushed no matter how much we may want to. No, I don't know if I found my forever, but that's ok. Sometimes, you just have to stop treating relationships like a freaking sprint. Stop trying to race your way to finish line. When it comes to relationships, be an old fart and take a leisurely stroll through it. Never know. Might just enjoy yourself. Happy dating my babies! 

Keep, keep moving on

So, I've gone back and forth now for weeks wondering if I should even post this next blog because it's a very sensitive topic.  What's going on blogger? Wait! Are you preggos? You dirty slut! Uh...no. I'm not pregnant (thank God).

Ok, after my last blog post Sparky and I played the torturous back and forth drama filled relationship dance that so many of us play. Ha! You drama queen! Hush you! Let's be serious for a bit. Anyhoo! As I was saying, Sparky and I went back and forth for a long time before finally calling it quits in April.  It was horrible, but we did the same shit we always do to each other. A late night text saying I miss you and us saying we'd both have a clean slate, then a couple days later and it was back to the same who did what to whom routine.  It wasn't a good ending, to say the very least and I didn't want to write this blog post and sound like a total b.b. (bitter bitch).  I thought if I was going to write about this relationship I wanted to give it the dignity it deserved since we, Sparky and I, weren't able to do that during our last break up.

Geeze, blogger. Sounds like this is going to be a real tear jerker.
Well, no it's not. I'm just going to let you in on what I've learned from this.

See, this relationship wasn't always horrible. We had some really wonderful times, but something unfortunate happened and someone was betrayed (if you read my last post I'm sure you'll know what I'm talking about) and that's where it all started to unravel. At least, for me that's when it happened.  Now, I admit, I was guilty of going back and forth on whether I wanted this relationship to work. After Sparky did what he did, I still very much loved him and wanted no one else, but I was also still very hurt and wanted him to hurt like he hurt me. I know, I know! Not the most mature thing to do, but I wasn't thinking clearly in this time period.   Needless to say I started the first round of back and forth hokey pokey relationship dance. Nice going, you dirty pirate hooker. I KNOW!

When we would first try and work things out that first conversation was amazing. We would apologize about everything and promise to try harder, but come a couple of days in and insecurity would rear it's ugly head and we'd be at each other's throats again. I would be thinking he was fucking around and he'd be thinking I was going to leave soon. We both were standing one foot inside the relationship door and one foot out.  We never did give each other the clean slate we always promised the other.   Now that I think of it, I wonder if that's even possible for any relationship. 

What? A clean slate? Why not blogger?
Well, hear me out. What exactly is a clean slate? To totally wipe clean the other's indiscretions,  right?  I don't see how that's completely possible unless you have one of those Men in Black mind eraser thingies or know the doctor from Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless mind.  It's a beautiful idea, but not possible. No one will ever forget how you betrayed them and hurt them. No one will ever be able to forget that pain. Can they forgive? Sure! But that's a totally different thing. See, Sparky and I didn't really even try to give each other a clean slate nor did we take full responsibility for the actions that brought us to this point.  We were both to proud to stop pointing fingers at the other and wanting so much to be right that we ultimately destroyed the relationship. 

Wow, blogger. Neither one of you could get your head our of your asses long enough to see what was really going on? Nope, I guess we couldn't.  Wait, scratch that. It's not that we couldn't, we wouldn't. We were both too hurt by what we had been doing to each other we were both set on who was the ultimate victim in this scenario. Now, at the end of the day my friends and family will say I'm the victim and his will say that he is, but none of that matters. We're now both left in this unnecessary rubble that we both created. We have no one to blame, but ourselves.

What we could have done? Really given each other that second chance and meaning it instead of just saying the words, because they sounded right at the time. Take the time to understand how much we hurt the other without being reminded of our own pain. We deeply loved each other and desperately wanted a future together, but we let this chaos get in the way. It can be easily chalked up to a tragic and stupid love story, but I refuse to see it as such.

And why is that? Oh wise one?
Well, to sum it up as that would mean we're both miserable and I refuse to let that happen.  After a while of mourning the loss of Sparky I finally went on a date. This doesn't mean I'm jumping into another relationship,  but I am getting my feet wet again in the dating pool. Do I wish him ill will? Oh God no. I hope he meets someone amazing. After all he is amazing, we just weren't amazing together. I hope he meets a woman who will give him everything he wants and the things he didn't even know he wanted. I pray he finds a good woman to make his wife and he has that family he dreams of. He deserves nothing less and I hope he wishes the same for me (although I highly doubt it).  We both deserve that.

The moral, my babies, mean the things you say and do them. Don't just say words because they sound right at the time.  If you think you found your forever and it turns out you didn't.. it's ok. It's gonna hurt like hell, but it will get better. I still think of him from time to time and it's not that bad stuff I remember.  It's all the good times we had. Life is too short to hold onto a grudge.  All you can do is learn from it and move on. Keep your head up and keep keeping on. Good luck out there my duders and chickadees.  Until next time....